Spot the stylistic problems in this passage:
“Inspiration is something of a strength in this little text, and with that I’m thinking more or less of its rather positive qualities. The sentences are fairly short and, on the whole, clear, and the story was almost always suspenseful. Children will enjoy the humour and optimism, and they will probably have learned a great deal after having read it. This picture book will arouse the reader’s curiosity and make us laugh.”
This passage is murdered by: 1) Vagueness (which “text” and “picture book” is this? What are the “positive qualities”?) 2) Too many tenses (“I’m thinking”; “the sentences ARE” morphs into “the story WAS”; “will probably have learned”; “after having read it”; “will arouse” – this is a time machine gone wrong!) 3) Too many useless and bland qualifiers:
“Inspiration is SOMETHING of a strength in this LITTLE text, and with that I’m thinking MORE OR LESS of its RATHER positive qualities. The sentences are FAIRLY short and, ON THE WHOLE, clear, and the story was ALMOST always suspenseful. Children will enjoy the humour and optimism, and they will PROBABLY have learned a great deal after having read it. This picture book will arouse the reader’s curiosity and make us laugh.” 4) Flipping between: i) first person singular (“I’m thinking”); ii) third person plural (“children”); iii) third person singular (“the reader”); iv) a warm and fuzzy first person plural (“make us laugh”)
Here’s a livelier version of the same:
“Inspiration is a strength in GREEN EGGS AND HAM, and with that I’m thinking of its _____ MOTIVATIONAL qualities. The sentences are _____ short and _____ clear, and the story IS _____ always suspenseful. Children will enjoy the humour and optimism, and they will ______ LEARN A GREAT DEAL FROM IT. This picture book will arouse THEIR curiosity and make us ALL laugh.”
(“make us ALL” signals an awareness of the switch – i.e. it shows that the switch is intentional)
The rest of the tips are available at: http://www2.arnes.si/~bjason/LW%20tips.pdf